I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
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[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
(Musicians.)
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑