[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
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My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.