Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
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GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
I identify as an antique shop.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
When can I start eating bats again.