McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
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Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
This will teach them to underestimate me
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”