how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
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I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
I’d use my best pan on you.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Traveler’s camo
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it