How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
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In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”