Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
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Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Every haunted house movie:
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
what?
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Schrödinger’s cookie