Pickled cat.
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It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.