And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
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When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Love thy neighbor’s dog
SF is the wild wild west man
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”