Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
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I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
blocked.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.