Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
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I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
*watches the world burn*
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
“felt cute might delete later lolz”