Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
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*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.