[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
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In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Why is everyone getting married at me
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
#SCOTUS one-star review
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Only a mother’s love …
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
thank god
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.