AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
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Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
my first dose meeting my second
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal