Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
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If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair