“How do you do, fellow birds?”
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10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.