Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
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Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
apparently this year was written by stephen king
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.