I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
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[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.