your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
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me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Beards are a privilege, not a right
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion