“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
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After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.