“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
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The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
My sex drive has a dui
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
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Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?