motivation
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I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Intelligence is the new cleavage
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.