18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
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Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
his wife is probably gonna see that
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND