Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
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Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Spa day..😅
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”