You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
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[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?