This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
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YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Support your local cemetery
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.