Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
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I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!