All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
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13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
She was rare, like a goth jogging
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.