If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
pictures of spider-man
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
new wife guy just dropped
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!