Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
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Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse