I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
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What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
meanwhile over on facebook
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.