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5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.