My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
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People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
quarantine day 3
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.