I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
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Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Not today. 😅
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.