Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
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God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”