Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
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Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
same energy
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.