Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
You Might Also Like
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
That’s classic.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
*feels the wind in my toe hair
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
I bet
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely