[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
You Might Also Like
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.