If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
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I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.