Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
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[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
What my back needs
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Social distancing in Australia: