I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
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Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Saw online –
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif