Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
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My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Aw man, but that’s the best part
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?