ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
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This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Covid like
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.