Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
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Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.