The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
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No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.