I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
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Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.