I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
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When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
what is cheese if not milk persevering
When someone trying to leave me
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.