me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
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Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
The Joker was right
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”