*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
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Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.