“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
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Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
time machine? you mean a clock?
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood